Broken Heart

I wish I had no feelings - no heart.

A man walked into a Connecticut elementary school today and killed 20 tiny kids.

Not that it would be ok, if they weren't young.

Three days ago, a guy walked into a Portland mall and randomly shot people in the mall.

I know it's not believable, but I feel so desperately sad when these terrible things happen, it's nearly a physical pain to me.  When the victims' families or the survivors describe their fear, and their relief or sadness depending on the result, I experience it as close to first hand as I ever want to be.  I can't possibly imagine that pain, that panic, but I cry.  I picture Mocket, Sarah, Dean, Sky.  I picture my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, my sisters, my brother, me.

And watching Facebook turn into practically a battle over gun control makes me more sick, more disgusted.  These are human beings and if we could just take a minute to really feel the situation, maybe (I know - this sounds vaguely like hope) the world could be a more compassionate place.  There is no understanding what causes a person to load up with ammo and walk into a mall, a movie theater - definitely not a kindergarten classroom  - and start shooting to kill.  But what if we tried to look at each other as people and see that there is something worth seeing in each other, maybe less people would feel the hate or frustration or loneliness that causes lashing out.  Not just with guns, but road rage, punching someone over someTHING on Black Friday, all those situations that are completely unfathomable for the average person... I just wish (if I have to continue to have feelings), we could all be a little more tender with each other.

We can debate gun control later.

My seeking has led me...

...where?   To this pay-by-the-week hotel in Mission, KS?  To chasing more money and hopefully better opportunities?  To a 3-bedroom townhome in the suburbs of Kansas City?

I have left Abilene for Kansas City.  I literally cried for the 1st hour of my drive.  I think I was mourning (and continue to mourn) my entire life.  A life where I can walk to my mom's house, where I can walk to a neighbor who would literally help me with anything.  A life where my boyfriend is right there all the time.  I know, I know - he will join me eventually, but right now, I am lonely.  I am mourning a life where I can babysit one of my nieces almost anytime I want.  I miss my dogs. I know - they will join me soon, too. I am mourning some true friends.  I have been through that almost every move I've made and time always helps this, but, in a way, I don't want time to help that.  It seems like with every move, I leave behind great people and over time I lose touch with them because we 'get used to it'.  I don't want to get used to it.  I want to miss them forever because I don't want to lose touch with them like I have most of the other great people I've left.  Stupid?  Maybe.  I am mourning an easy life, with little traffic and fields, and horses and easy parks.  I miss the ease.

I miss everything.

I can fix this if I hate it.  This is not South Korea.  I just have to make it for 4 more days and then I go back to the ease for the weekend.  Then I have to make it 5 more days, then a couple of things will be easier.  My boyfriend will be here, my dogs will be here and I will not have to deal with creeps in a pay-by-the-week hotel.

4 more days.

Ch...ch...ch...changes!

As we get closer to some very major changes for our family, I was feeling really contemplative this week.  I decided a drive and some pictures are in order.   I wish(!) these pictures could get close to the beauty that I see in my immediate area.  The biggest upcoming change is obviously - we are going to get a boy in this family in a mere 48 hours!!  A BOY.... we don't have any of those yet and I am so excited for us and for the Wareham sect of Lewis'.  In much less exciting changes - I have a big job interview in Kansas City on Monday...it could mean Todd and I have a major change in our landscape.  Todd is 100% supportive... basically if I feel like going is the right decision, we go.  If I feel like staying is better for us, we stay.  I'm wondering... is that what I want?  Have I out-grown Abilene?  Is it best for Todd and I (and potential future progeny) to be in the country or the city?  Can you have the best of both worlds?  I owe Abilene and The Campground so much...I learned to work on a mower, drive a backhoe, run a business, setting lines, cleaning a catfish, crops, how not to trim trees...... and what I could do myself.  How do I just leave?

finally!

Remember a couple of months ago when we talked about my flock growing? Well, it has! By 6, by jove!

Two weeks ago, I got six (!) 1-week old chicks! 3 hens of the red variety and 3 hens of the non-red variety. The store where I bought them does not specify exactly what breed they are, they are a mystery hen, Scooby Doo. Anyway, they are very cute and this weekend was spent hard hard at work, building them an adorable coop. There is still work to do, but between Todd, Mom and Dad and Rod's help, all we have left is fnishing work, and even I can do that. I am very proud of my little flock (even if they are kinda going through an ugly duckling (bumdumbump) phase as they get their adult feathers), our coop and following my path of independence and sustainability.... eggs (and probably home-grown poultry, if I can) here we come!

Thievery.

So apparently there is a rash of thievery occurring. People have been breaking into storage units over the past couple of nights between here and Salina. I read about the Salina break-ins here: Salina Storage Unit Break-ins, but was completely unaware that it had spread to Abilene until Rod, who hangs out with farmers, cops, retirees and outlaws, let me know that one of the Sheriffs told him that 3 storage facilities had been broken into in Abilene. Have I heard anything from our local news outlet? No. I'm not sure it even printed in our local newspaper and definitely won't be shared online until it is common knowledge.

Good news - all of our units and locks are intact and appear to be unharmed. (According to Rod - this is because we live on a bad side of town... thieves are scared. I say - it's because we live on the South side of the tracks, everyone knows there's nothing worth stealing down here. Regardless.)

Other possible good news... I would think it would be really fairly easy to get a online Abilene news site going... wheels are turning. Probably won't go anywhere, but spinning nonetheless.

Thievery.

So apparently there is a rash of thievery occurring. People have been breaking into storage units over the past couple of nights between here and Salina. I read about the Salina break-ins here: Salina Storage Unit Break-ins, but was completely unaware that it had spread to Abilene until Rod, who hangs out with farmers, cops, retirees and outlaws, let me know that one of the Sheriffs told him that 3 storage facilities had been broken into in Abilene. Have I heard anything from our local news outlet? No. I'm not sure it even printed in our local newspaper and definitely won't be shared online until it is common knowledge.

Good news - all of our units and locks are intact and appear to be unharmed. (According to Rod - this is because we live on a bad side of town... thieves are scared. I say - it's because we live on the South side of the tracks, everyone knows there's nothing worth stealing down here. Regardless.)

Other possible good news... I would think it would be really fairly easy to get a online Abilene news site going... wheels are turning. Probably won't go anywhere, but spinning nonetheless.

Back again? Re-back?

So, I bet I know what you are thinking... time for the quarterly update. Time for the check-in along with the promise to blog more. But really - here I am... for the update...and I promise to blog more.

Promise.

Let's start by looking back - this year has been pretty good really. I can't complain too much. I've gotten to visit with Mike and Tara, Erikka and the girls, I've gotten to spend a lot of great time with Cari, Nate and Skylar, Todd's parents, got to meet Todd's sister Stacy and his nephews, even Aunt Cin, Uncle Kirk and my cousins. Family time has been abundant. Todd and I didn't burn anything that isn't meant to be burned. Dogs, bunnies and kitty are happy and healthy. We did lose one cat - Potsy - but I like to think he was just picked up by someone who thought he was a stray and loves cats. I haven't seen any evidence to the contrary. Jobs (both mine and Todd's) are on the upswing (maybe... I mean - they aren't ideal yet, but hey! I'm not the receptionist!) I bought a gun! I know, right... but while I have shot it several times, I haven't actual killed anything with it (although there is a bird out there with strong feelings of hate towards me.) I got to spend a lot of time outside... between fishing, 'hunting' and hanging laundry, I mean, I was a regular Paul Bunyan. You can bet that guy had to hang a lot of laundry.

Now 2012... I have really big plans. I mean, huge. I am really hopeful that they all come true and that they are a wise choice. I know my intentions are in the right place. And I know what they say about intentions, but I hope that they are wrong. Things to look for: My 'flock' to grow (hopefully in several ways), me coming to a city near you, and hopefully more corporate ladder climbing. Stay tuned...