Broken Heart

I wish I had no feelings - no heart.

A man walked into a Connecticut elementary school today and killed 20 tiny kids.

Not that it would be ok, if they weren't young.

Three days ago, a guy walked into a Portland mall and randomly shot people in the mall.

I know it's not believable, but I feel so desperately sad when these terrible things happen, it's nearly a physical pain to me.  When the victims' families or the survivors describe their fear, and their relief or sadness depending on the result, I experience it as close to first hand as I ever want to be.  I can't possibly imagine that pain, that panic, but I cry.  I picture Mocket, Sarah, Dean, Sky.  I picture my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, my sisters, my brother, me.

And watching Facebook turn into practically a battle over gun control makes me more sick, more disgusted.  These are human beings and if we could just take a minute to really feel the situation, maybe (I know - this sounds vaguely like hope) the world could be a more compassionate place.  There is no understanding what causes a person to load up with ammo and walk into a mall, a movie theater - definitely not a kindergarten classroom  - and start shooting to kill.  But what if we tried to look at each other as people and see that there is something worth seeing in each other, maybe less people would feel the hate or frustration or loneliness that causes lashing out.  Not just with guns, but road rage, punching someone over someTHING on Black Friday, all those situations that are completely unfathomable for the average person... I just wish (if I have to continue to have feelings), we could all be a little more tender with each other.

We can debate gun control later.

My seeking has led me...

...where?   To this pay-by-the-week hotel in Mission, KS?  To chasing more money and hopefully better opportunities?  To a 3-bedroom townhome in the suburbs of Kansas City?

I have left Abilene for Kansas City.  I literally cried for the 1st hour of my drive.  I think I was mourning (and continue to mourn) my entire life.  A life where I can walk to my mom's house, where I can walk to a neighbor who would literally help me with anything.  A life where my boyfriend is right there all the time.  I know, I know - he will join me eventually, but right now, I am lonely.  I am mourning a life where I can babysit one of my nieces almost anytime I want.  I miss my dogs. I know - they will join me soon, too. I am mourning some true friends.  I have been through that almost every move I've made and time always helps this, but, in a way, I don't want time to help that.  It seems like with every move, I leave behind great people and over time I lose touch with them because we 'get used to it'.  I don't want to get used to it.  I want to miss them forever because I don't want to lose touch with them like I have most of the other great people I've left.  Stupid?  Maybe.  I am mourning an easy life, with little traffic and fields, and horses and easy parks.  I miss the ease.

I miss everything.

I can fix this if I hate it.  This is not South Korea.  I just have to make it for 4 more days and then I go back to the ease for the weekend.  Then I have to make it 5 more days, then a couple of things will be easier.  My boyfriend will be here, my dogs will be here and I will not have to deal with creeps in a pay-by-the-week hotel.

4 more days.