So I think (I hope) we all have at least 2 faces. I definitely do. I don't have secrets (well, I do... but they won't be revealed on the interwebs anytime soon, I hope.) But I do have facets I keep hidden. Mostly out of fear and societal pressures. I have a stong fear of judgement - from potential in-laws (not you Tara - but Todd's parents). After the debacle with Hricko's parents, I feel like it's too easy to hate me if you don't agree or appreciate my facets. Or fear of judgement from people who barely know me but are Facebook 'friends'. I shouldn't care. But I don't want people to think they have a full picture of me based on one status or silly statement. It wouldn't be the first time it happened. Anyway - here are some of my hidden 'things' facets or things I want to share but don't.
Sometimes, when I sit down on 'strange' toilets I feel like they are too short, and then I think I'm a giant. And I so gradually became a giant, that even I didn't notice. And then I think don't ever tell anyone this.
Sometimes, when I see someone with a cast I want to punch them or push them over, just to see if it would hurt. And sometimes I want to do it to cast an air of intimidation.
Sometimes I hear a song lyric and I want to spread the word about the great song. Even if it doesn't really represent my mood or even the music that I typically like.
Sometimes, I have very childish urges - like the great idea to pull the fire alarm. I would never act on them, but then I think - what if I thought about it so much I accidentally did it.
I also have the tendency to have day-mares. It's like daydreams, but I will think of something bad and then I will think of all the outcomes and when I find the worst, then I will imagine my response, then the next bad thing will happen, then my reaction and so on. I can spend hours playing this game.
When I try to do something, and I fail or am in the process of failing or look back and think I failed, I want to give up. I don't think I quit easily but I think I get frustrated easily.
I have trust issues.
I think that's all I want to share for now. Feel free to respond with some of your craziness.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
life and death
So that's a heavy title.
The good of this week has been really good. Mom and Dad are home. Everything seems to make more sense when they are around. My bunny Loco had 6 healthy babies and is taking great care of them. I had a real fear that some babies would be born unhealthy and the humane thing to do is to .... I'm trying to think of the right word...I guess euthanize is the right word if they are born malformed. You see, the ones that are not formed correctly will still drink mama's milk, but they are not going to live. So then the others would not be as strong. Anyway - the good news is I didn't need to even worry about that. She made some great babies and she is doing a great job as a mom. Todd got a job this week. A huge great thing. It stinks a little because for the first time in our relationship, our time is constrained by scheduling, but we have to make it work until something changes.
The death part of this blog is both sad and scary. Two weeks ago, LJ's grandpa died. He was old and not well - had suffered with Alzheimer's since we were in college. So it wasn't a shock, but is still sad. This week Kate's (another friend from high school that I stay in touch with) dad died. Suddenly. He was born in 1949. Makes him 61 right? Yes. (I'm bad at 'years' math.) I feel so sad for Kate and LJ. LJ's grandpa dying reminded me of when Grandpa Jerry died. The sickness was sudden .. or seemed sudden to me, so it's not alike in that way, but I ... just can really put myself back in that time. Then Kate's dad. Well, I can't understand that. I just know that it is scary that one of my friends, someone I have spent probably literally thousands of hours with had to bury her parent. I know that moms and dads die all the time. I understand that car accidents happen and planes crash and people get sick. But to die suddenly? A mom or dad of someone my age? I just re-read that and I sound rediculous. I know that people of my parent's age die all the time. I guess it just really made me consider my own family's mortality and my age in a more unflattering light. I don't like to think about these things.
Love you all.
The good of this week has been really good. Mom and Dad are home. Everything seems to make more sense when they are around. My bunny Loco had 6 healthy babies and is taking great care of them. I had a real fear that some babies would be born unhealthy and the humane thing to do is to .... I'm trying to think of the right word...I guess euthanize is the right word if they are born malformed. You see, the ones that are not formed correctly will still drink mama's milk, but they are not going to live. So then the others would not be as strong. Anyway - the good news is I didn't need to even worry about that. She made some great babies and she is doing a great job as a mom. Todd got a job this week. A huge great thing. It stinks a little because for the first time in our relationship, our time is constrained by scheduling, but we have to make it work until something changes.
The death part of this blog is both sad and scary. Two weeks ago, LJ's grandpa died. He was old and not well - had suffered with Alzheimer's since we were in college. So it wasn't a shock, but is still sad. This week Kate's (another friend from high school that I stay in touch with) dad died. Suddenly. He was born in 1949. Makes him 61 right? Yes. (I'm bad at 'years' math.) I feel so sad for Kate and LJ. LJ's grandpa dying reminded me of when Grandpa Jerry died. The sickness was sudden .. or seemed sudden to me, so it's not alike in that way, but I ... just can really put myself back in that time. Then Kate's dad. Well, I can't understand that. I just know that it is scary that one of my friends, someone I have spent probably literally thousands of hours with had to bury her parent. I know that moms and dads die all the time. I understand that car accidents happen and planes crash and people get sick. But to die suddenly? A mom or dad of someone my age? I just re-read that and I sound rediculous. I know that people of my parent's age die all the time. I guess it just really made me consider my own family's mortality and my age in a more unflattering light. I don't like to think about these things.
Love you all.
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